'Twas the last day of Christmas, and all through the house
The new PC's not running, and the dog chewed up the mouse
The Maalox is all gone, the Aspirin's been lost
Lord knows just what this season will cost

It's finally the 12th day of Christmas this year
The eggnog's been drunk, and I'm outta beer
The new toys are scattered all over the place
I'd better start buying batteries by the case

Epiphany -- the day the Magi finished their trip
On camels they came, the famous desert ship
And started all this, with the gifts they'd bought
Remembrances, so their visit wouldn't be for naught

Wise Men they've been called, but I'm not so sure
Even they were aware how the tradition would endure
Or how early we're start to honor Christmas Day
The trees are up before the pumpkins are put away

I still find it odd to hear "Silent Night" sung
And see festive lights and wreaths neatly hung
Before the Thanksgiving turkey is even sliced
To the stores for shopping we're all enticed

"Shop Early", "Buy More", cry the merchants with glee
Pile up tons of presents under your tree
Get in that car -- hurry out to the Mall
Now dash away... dash away... dash away all

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky
So out to the stores the consumers they flew
To see the raindeer and Saint Nicholas too

And then, in a twinkling, I heard in the shops
The frantic cries of all the Moms and Pops
Looking for the perfect toys for their lil' elves
And the clerks saying: "It's all on the shelves"

The Visa's 'bout maxed before November is over
Mother is frazzled, and Daddy's barely sober
And there's still three weeks til Christmas Day
"%&#$!#%#@* Magi !" I heard many a shopper say

Kids' eyes -- how they twinkled... their dimples how merry
Their cheeks were like roses, their noses like a cherry
Their drooling lil' mouths were drawn up like bows,
As they stared at the toys -- rows upon rows

The live tree, fresh bought, is now staring to droop
Needles on the floor are removed with a scoop
Even Santa looks tried as a kid climbs on his lap
He looks like he wants a cig, a shot and a nap

But at last the big day did finally dawn
Wrapping paper's all over -- even covering the lawn
Mommie loved her iron, Daddy raved over his tie
Dinner's all over, even ate all the pie

Twelve days then followed -- some merry, some bright
Some parties were dull, others lasted 'til first light
Now the liquor's all gone, the house is a mess
The saving account's busted; checking -- even less

And so my friends, Christmas is done for a year
'Cept for bills to pay, and the collectors to fear
As the Magi exclaimed, ere there rode out of sight
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night"