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ACCORDIONATED: (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and fold a road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' tri us) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on or off with the toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck on the nozzle, or (b) squirting themselves in the eye.

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grate and onto the coals.

BURGLESQUE: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)

BUZZACKS (buz' acks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the telephones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down on the carpet to give the vacuum one more chance.

DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the ground by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the dirt and germs.

DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror

EIFFELITES (eye' ful itz) n. Gangly people sitting in front you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The action of two people maneuvering for the one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a sel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until they finally decide to give up and sweep it under a rug.

GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . .

GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.

HIPATITIS: Terminal coolness.

ILLEGAL: A large, sickly bird.

INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

INUENDO: An Italian suppository.

INUNDATE: The number of times I went out with a member of the opposite sex during my highschool years.

INVEST: The last step of getting dressed, just prior to in-jacket.

KARMAGEDDON: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

LACTOMANGYLATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to opening it on the "illegal" side.

LACTOSE: Missing the digits of the feet.

LONELY: A small oriental man who let's you use his money temporarily and charges you a high interest rate.

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease.

PARAPHRASE: When the hem comes out of both legs of your slacks simultaneously.

PEPPIER (phep ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper on their meal.

PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ick) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of the household pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a telephone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PROTEIN: Someone who strongly supports adolescence.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

SPHYGMOMETER: A device for determining the ambiant temperature of a popular Greek fruit.

STIPEND: The final result of putting a fence around a pigstye.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the telephone ring at least twice before picking up the receiver, even when you are only six inches away.