- The future of "I give" is "I take."

- The parts of speech are lungs and air.

- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

- The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

- You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

- Someday, we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

- A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

- There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.

- There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around up here these days.

- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

- The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

- I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important thing.

- Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

- Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

- It is so hot in some places that people have to live in other places.

- Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.

- Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

- A monsoon is a French gentleman.

- To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

- Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers.

- When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.

- In some rocks, you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

- For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

- The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

- When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon dioxide.

- When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

- The moon is a planet just like Earth, only it is even deader.

- The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

- A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

- For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

- Germinate: to become a naturalized German.

- Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

- The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.

- To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

- To prevent contraception, wear a condominium.

- The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -- A, E, I, O, and U.